how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
