If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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