Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
