dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
