Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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