You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
