Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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