The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
