I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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