had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Two words: blizzard sex
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
