i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
