I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
