Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
