She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Randomize
