I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
