I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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