never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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