Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
