I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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