I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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