I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize