i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
