I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
