my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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