Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
