Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
