Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
