They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
