i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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