I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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