textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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