mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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