I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
