her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
