he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
