Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
