when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
