hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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