Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
