I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
