Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
