lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
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