There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
