literally had 100 drinks last night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
