Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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