you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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