one two three fourrrrnication!
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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