i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
