Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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