I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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