They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
