I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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