I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize