And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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