so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i think i have two assholes
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
