dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize