I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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