I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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