I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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