actually, I'm a sock model
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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