Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
