apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My day in three words: secret purse cake
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize