the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
