so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
